Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
