i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I did not marry a roomba.
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