Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
