ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
