No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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