Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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