i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
