in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
