i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Your dad touched me again.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
