u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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