why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
