They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
