Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
