I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
