i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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