I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
