This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
FUCK WHALES
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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