My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
