why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
