fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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