I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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