I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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