I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
