thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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