I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
