im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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