hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
