lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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