There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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