if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
