Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
