I just saw a hot homeless man
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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