I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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