my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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