i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize