Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I love you. Go after that dick
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
