i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
