one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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