How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He felt like a one man threesome
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
