All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
