So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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