i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize