Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
