My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
