before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
