her vagine was all disorganized.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm like, not good at living.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
