Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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