Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Actions speak louder than pants.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
