She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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