I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
