I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
