went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
