anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
