Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
