im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
