I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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