Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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