Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize