Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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