I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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