Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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