Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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