In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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