you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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