I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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