I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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