I got chris browned last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
