Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
